Thinking about work

Today is Saturday. I'm returning to work on Monday morning. I can't believe the time has come. I'm just not interested at all. A text saying "it will be good for you to mix with others" doesn't help. What the hell does that mean? I'm certainly not a hermit by any means! I don't like to socialise with the people I work with anyway but it just seems that possibly it means "get back to work and everything will be normal again". It's that word again isn't it, normal. My way of dealing with my grief is not to shut it out and carry on as "normal" as if any of this never happened. I can't even begin to think how I could ever deal with it that way - it might be normal for others but for me, I need to think about my babies and talk about them. In the complete understanding that everyone deals with things differently, it's just not my way.

I like to talk about Lola and Lukas. No matter how hard it is trying not to cry whilst talking about them, at the same time it's lovely to know that some people want to hear about them. Crying is good anyway and sometimes after a good cry I do feel a little better. I've had many of those in the last 1-2 weeks. I did this week make a breakthrough. Since Lola and Lukas died 7 1/2 months ago I don't think once have I ever sent anyone a message saying I needed to talk. Not even Jodi. Jodi has been amazing and has constantly been messaging and asking how my day is and when we see each other I don't think there has been a day when we haven't spoken about Lola and Lukas. I can't remember ever actually messaging myself and saying that I was having a bad day. I just don't do it. It's difficult for me to talk to people but this week I actually started a conversation. It did feel good and although it was only via text, perhaps in the future I may be able to speak in person. It comes quite naturally when people ask me questions and talk to me.

I wonder how Monday will go? Mmmmmmmm....