Going away on the weekend was one of the best decisions ever made. I wanted to feel special on Mothers Day and not forgotten about. I didn't want to spend the day with anyone else but Craig, Lola and Lukas. The idea of spending it with people who have no understanding or even compassion is horrific.
Saturday we went to the Lakeside Brasserie and watched the Rugby and my Team Wales, win the 6 Nations Grand Slam. We went straight to the hotel after the Wales game, placed the bottle of champagne i'd taken in a bucket of ice and then watched the England game and a lovely meal after.
I woke up in the morning feeling so emotional. The day should have been so different. I should have been celebrating my first Mothers Day with Lola and Lukas with us. Craig did however, get me an amazing card and giraffe charm for my bracelet from them. I couldn't help thinking about what Mums would be doing with their babies. Mothers Day will ALWAYS be hard. Lola and Lukas will be missing in person but they will always be there in my heart and mind. I want others to realise that I will always be upset on birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and due dates.
After a lovely few hours in the swimming pool at the hotel, we went to see Lola and Lukas on our way home. My special little Angels.
I've only got around 11 days til I return to work. I'm getting so scared, it's such a big step to make. I've just had a conversation with Craig's Mum who asked about my return date which is 2nd April. The response being "that will be good won't it". Do people have any idea whatsoever? I just wish I wasn't such a coward. I want to shout and scream at people and tell them that it's not going to be good. It's going to be bloody awful. It makes me so angry that people just don't think about how I might be feeling. "Going back to work will be good for you". I wish now that i'd looked for a new job to start. Going back to work with people that don't understand how i'm feeling is my worst nightmare and having Craig's Mum as my boss who as far as i'm concerned gives Craig and I no support is terrifying. No mention of our babies, no mention of anything. I'm so fed up of people assuming we've got over it or them not being able to deal with it themselves. It doesn't help us.
I find it so hard to say that i'm struggling. That's one reason I started this blog but the important people don't bother to read it.
This blog gives an insight into my life since December 2010 and the journey i've taken from then. It goes through my feeling of becoming pregnant, the loss of my beautiful twins, to living with an Ileostomy.
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