I really thought people would be more sensitive at work especially on my first day back. It was always going to be hard but in all honesty there was a glimmer of hope that it would end up being easier and all the worry would be for nothing and it would go better than expected.
Arriving on my first day back I find that actually I have no desk. The lady who was taken on to cover my maternity has been kept on and seems to be keeping my desk. Initial thoughts are that perhaps on my first day back I could at least sit there so I could feel more comfortable and welcomed. Craig's Mum said Hi at 8:30am and didn't say anything else to me until 5:30pm. It's a small office. I wasn't even asked if I was getting on ok bearing in mind that I said only a few days ago that I was going to find going back emotionally difficult.
I decided to go for a walk up town during my lunch break. Arriving back in the office I decided to eat my sandwich. I ate it standing up. I know, I can hardly believe it myself.
I mentioned to the maternity cover lady that I wanted to book some time off in August as it's Lola and Lukas' first birthday and before I got to finish the sentence, I was told that she had a week off in August. Turns out it's the same week. The week beginning 13th August. It's her birthday on the anniversary of Lola's death. I can't see how I can have the time off now and it's going to be a really hard week. I want to celebrate my babies' lives and to also make sure Craig has a more enjoyable 30th birthday on 18th. I know it's going to be really hard for him to enjoy it and I thought that having the week off and doing things together would make it special.
It's been almost 8 months and I still cannot grasp how insensitive people can be. "Just get sprogged up again" and "I understand it must be hard for you" have both been said to me today. I don't know what goes through peoples minds sometimes.
I have no idea what to do. I'm angry and upset. I cried all the way home and to be honest, I have no idea how I managed to get home.
This blog gives an insight into my life since December 2010 and the journey i've taken from then. It goes through my feeling of becoming pregnant, the loss of my beautiful twins, to living with an Ileostomy.
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