Wednesday 7 December 2011

August 16th - 4 days old Part 2

We are eating some lunch in the room just up the corridor. We are waiting for everyone to arrive and we decide that we should call Nick, David and Craig's Grandparents. Howard is in Bristol getting me a card for Craig as it's his birthday in 2 days time and I don't know of any other way I can get one before then. I trust him to get something i'd like and I ask him to get a card from Lola and Lukas too.

Suddenly Craig's phone rings. It's a private number and he doesn't really want to answer it so ignores the call. Then my phone rings and it's clear that it's important and could be the hospital. It is. Lola is getting worse every minute and they said that we need to go and see her straight away.

Lola has been moved into a small room in her incubator with all the machines still attached. The Nurse has put all her blankets and toys in with her. When Lola first got taken to Bristol, Craig collected the teddy blanket that Jodi had bought when we first found out the sexes and had also taken the little teddy that Howard and David had bought the day they were born. Lukas' teddy was in with him, so he wanted Lola to have hers.


It is clear by looking at Lola that she has indeed got worse since we saw her an hour ago. The Nurse takes Lola out of the incubator and puts her in my arms. They don't think she would have the strength to take a breath on her own when they take the ventilation tube out so i'm very grateful to have her in my arms while she is still with us.


I hand Lola to Craig as she is getting worse every second and I want him to have the opportunity to hold her too.


Lola is struggling and we decide that it's time. Her ventilator is switched off and all the machines are unplugged from her cannula with the exception of the morphine. The morphine is kept on to ensure that she is not in pain.

I see Lola take what I feel is to be her last breath and I look at the clock. It's 3:05pm and Lola has gone.  The Nurses take photos for us and leave us with her. We pass her back and forth making sure that we both have time with her.


A short while Craig's Grandparents arrive in the room with us and we decide that it's time that we call the rest of the family in. David and Nick haven't arrived yet but they are on their way.

Everyone has a chance to hold Lola and we take photos of everyone holding her. David and Nick arrive and  after giving them time with her, we go through to the bedroom Craig and Caroline had and we give her a bath and choose some clothes to put her in. The Nurses give us a little moses basket for her and we place her in it with her teddy and blanket.



Craig and I keep the little pink and white blanket as we decide we want to have this with us at home. It's time to go back to my room and i'm afraid that if I don't hand Lola back now, I never will.

Getting back in bed, I feel all of a sudden, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I should be feeling guilty for turning off Lola's ventilator but I feel that Lola made the choice on her own and I feel so grateful for that. I know that we did make that decision, but she became so poorly that she couldn't go on any more.


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