On My Own

Craig went back to work 6 days ago now. I still can't believe how hard this recovery is. Last night I went to bed in quite a lot of pain and it hadn't gone away this morning so my 11am appointment that I was intending to walk to, I had to get a cab to and from.

I had a complete meltdown last night. Suddenly around 5pm I realised it was the 12th. 7 months before I had given birth to our beautiful babies Lola and Lukas. The best yet the worst day. A comment last night of "someone decides when our time is up" really upset me. Who really would look at unborn children and say "they've had their time and i'm going to make their parents feel like crap for the rest of their lives". Seriously? I'm not religious, I don't know where my children are but I know they're happy and they're together. There are so many other Angel Babies that they must have so many friends. I have to think about this to keep myself sane.

In less than 3 weeks, I have to return to work. I'm dreading it. The next support meeting is 2 weeks today and in a way it can't come slowly enough as it will mean I return to work the following week but on the other hand, I really need the support at the moment. One of the girls from the group came over for a cuppa earlier and her little boy was stillborn the day before. We both said that there was a realisation this month on their anniversaries  that it will be their 1st birthdays soon. In reality it's only 7 months but it's closer to their 1st Birthday now than their actual births. I need to start thinking about what to do on their birthday which is also the anniversary of losing our little Lukas. 4 Days later, losing Lola and then 2 days later, Craig celebrates his 30th Birthday or not as the case may be. I honestly don't know if he will want to celebrate as I have no idea what state of mind we will be in. I however, do know that that whole week will be full of so many emotions.

It's Mother's Day this weekend. What can I say? I'm a Mummy which people don't realise. They feel that because my babies aren't here, i'm not a Mummy and it angers me so much. Mother's Day will NEVER be the same as Lola and Lukas will always be missing but I will never stop loving them and being a Mummy to them. Craig and I have decided to have a night in a hotel. I still want to celebrate Mother's Day but on our own. I don't want to have the day with anyone else. Just us and Lola and Lukas will be with us every step of the way.

So here I am, struggling on physically and mentally wishing things were very very different.