I have no idea why i'm like this today. There hasn't been a day gone by that i've not cried or thought about what i'd be doing now but today is different. I can't stop. Maybe it is because Craig has gone back to work and for the last week or so i've had company during the day. I'm not consciously thinking about it but it's the only explanation I have.
I know i'm going to have bad days like this. I just want to go to sleep, wake up and this nightmare to be over with. That's never going to happen though is it? I'm going to have to find some way of living with my broken heart. At the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel that people keep telling me is there. Time is a healer apparently. Death has always affected me, but when you have memories of people who have passed on, I now know that it's much easier to find a way to live without them. You think of those fond memories and it helps you get through the grief. Losing a baby or babies in my case, is much more difficult. I've lost my children and I don't know how to cope.
I just can't get over other people's comments and thoughts. I want to scream at them and make them understand that even though they think what they are saying is helpful, it's really not.
Here are a few examples of things people have said:
1: At least you know you can get pregnant/You'll have more children one day
Unfortunately this has been said to me a couple of times. Yes I was able to get pregnant and with twins. Does that mean that I should just go on and have other babies and they will replace Lola and Lukas? That's how people make it sound. I've also had major surgery which can effect fertility and I had such a major infection that may have affected it. Until we try for a baby we won't know. We want to have more children, but not one of them will replace Lola and Lukas so please don't say that to me.
2. I think you should go back to work so you can have some normality in your life/being at home doing nothing can't be good for you
Have you somehow transported yourself inside my mind so you know that me being back at work will be helpful? I understand that people deal with this grief in their own way but for me, being at home and taking time over this, is more helpful. I don't want to deal with work and then every evening come home and grieve because i've needed to but can't at work!
3. You're still with us, it could have been so different
Yes I nearly died but the way i'm feeling right now, I couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. I'm alive but my heart is totally broken and I have to live with that.
4. It's always going to be difficult when you see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby or a pram but you can't get away from that and you have to deal with it.
I know this. When I tell you that I find it hard when I see these things, please don't just say that I have to deal with it because it is inevitable. I've told you what I think because i'm looking for you to say kind words to me and i'm clearly trying to talk about it. Don't just try and move on to something else.
There's plenty more. These just came to my mind whilst writing.
So far, most people have just carried on as normal. To us, it seems that they have forgotten what's happened and carried on as if Lola and Lukas never existed. I want people to talk about them as they will always be a part of me and ignoring them will just ruin the relationship I have with you - it's already starting. I feel that certain relationships are starting to dwindle.
On New Years Eve, we managed to set off some more lanterns. In November when we tried, it was too wet and windy and although we didn't get many off, it was a nice evening. This time, it was just the four of us. There is a park right by Ash and Jodi's house and we managed to get 3 lanterns off safely. I can't explain the odd feeling when the lanterns headed towards the cemetery. I know the wind just happened to be blowing in that direction but as soon as the first went, I couldn't believe that it was heading straight towards Kingsdown. It's about 3 miles as the crow flies but we could all tell that's where it was going. It was a lovely moment. We've decided that we will arrange it again for the summer when the weather is better.
The picture above isn't great unless you know what you're looking at. The light in the middle of the 2 centre lights is the heart shaped lantern. All the other lights are just street lamps. As you can see it's quite far away and not long after this photo was taken, we couldn't see it anymore.
Shine brightly little ones xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment