Only a week to go...

Last week picked up a little. I had a visit from one of my Angel Mummy friends from Sands. It's nice to spend time with people who understand. Not long after Dee left, an offer of tickets to the Panto came from Jodi. In the end, 17 of us from Sands went and had a really good time. In fact, it was the best night i've had since before I went into hospital. I didn't feel guilty about laughing. Probably because I was in the company of people in the same position.

It's a week today for my ileostomy reversal. I have to go in on Sunday but the op is on Monday. I'm a little nervous still but looking forward to getting rid of the bag. Only because it means we can try for a baby soon. I'm still worried about the pain, the recovery and the recovery of my bowel. I have so many questions in my head and a bad feeling overall. I'm very positive about everything and wouldn't normally think anything like this which is why i'm so worried. I just have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I cannot explain. I don't know if it's that something bad will happen or whether my recovery will take longer than expected. I suppose we will have to just see. I just hope they cut out the original scar and make a new one. It's bad enough as it is without having double. I've also seen some horrible stoma scars where they are pitted. 2 nice white lines will be fine but not an inverted stomach! I'm worried about being able to put on a bikini! I suppose I shouldn't worry about what others think but I can't help it.

I'm still in the routine of changing my dressing over the mucous fistula every day and every other day I change my bag without issues. Sometimes I change the bag every day. If I use too much adhesive remover when taking off the dressing, it can penetrate the bag also and rather than worry about a leakage I change that too. When I changed my bag and dressing yesterday I had

I've made a couple of enquiries for headstones this morning. Crying as I sent off the internet requests. Why do I have to even think about buying a headstone for my babies? They should be here. They should be smiling now and I should be posting pictures of them on Facebook. I will never get to see them smile, crawl, walk, talk or play together. After I found out I was having twins, I was looking forward to seeing them develop together, play with each other and keep one another company. I couldn't wait to see them in their cot sleeping side by side and I could just imagine them running around together and sticking up for each other when they got older. I can only dream of these things now and it hurts so much that i'll never get to see these things. I want and need them here with me so much.

Choosing a headstone is difficult. It has to be the right one. We can't afford to buy it just yet but we need a price so that we can think about saving for it. I also have no idea how long it will take to make after we've ordered it. Maybe we can order it now and then by the time it's ready, we will be able to pay for it.

When we buried Lola and Lukas we knew that a headstone couldn't go down for 6 months after. At the time it seemed like a lifetime away but now almost 5 months on, I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. That just sums life up I suppose. Time flies and you have to make the most of it. That's what we were doing. Having children. Making the most of our lives, but now, I every day, I think of what would have been and what could be isn't really in the picture. Thinking of what could be to me, means moving on. I need to move on without forgetting and I know I will never forget but I don't want them or anyone else to think that we've just gotten on with our lives. There it is again. Worrying about what others will think.