This keeps playing on my mind. I feel it's good to get my feelings out there and there may be someone else who is in my situation. Every baby loss story is different and perhaps every ileostomy story is different. I'm sure though that someone may find it good reading. Well maybe.........
My ileostomy has been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I've not had much sleep and now when I wake up in the middle of the night, i'm so tired that I try to go back to sleep. I lay there for several minutes knowing that I have to get up otherwise my bag will burst and i'll be up even longer. It's just that Christmas usually comes with some alcohol. I haven't had very much at all but the slightest amount makes everything much worse to deal with. It means emptying the bag about 3 times more a day..... I'm already emptying it around 2-3 times in the day and 2-3 times at night.
Craig and I haven't done much the last few days. We have been to the cinema though to see the new Mission Impossible and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Both were brilliant. It's nice having him at home and when he goes back to work next week, it will be only 12 days before I am admitted for my reversal operation. I'm feeling a little different about the op now. I'm still very scared about it all including the aftermath and recovery but now that I know it's being reversed, i'm quite looking forward to getting rid of the bag. I've said before that the bag doesn't really bother me and it doesn't but, I think even though I knew it was temporary, I didn't care about getting rid of it because I didn't have a date like I do now.
I'm not sure what Craig is going to do about work. I think it's probably best that he doesn't take any time off until after i've been discharged from the hospital. I'm hoping to be well enough to be able to read books that I have to finish (have a Kindle and want to read my paperbacks) and perhaps have enough visitors and then he can just come and see me at 6pm on his way home from work. He doesn't have much holiday left so i'd rather have him at home with me for a few days. Until this morning when I was cutting some bags, I hadn't quite thought about how many days there are left until I get rid of it and now writing this, I know that my operation is on 16th Jan so there is only 17 days to go. It still seems like ages away but I think it will go quite quickly.
I now have to start thinking about going back to work. It's funny how you can manage financially when you need to but this month although we will manage, has been the hardest and next month etc.. will be very hard. I suppose going back to work as soon as I am fit enough is the only option financially speaking. I'm no where near ready emotionally. People keep telling me that I will get bored of being home and that going back to work will be good for me because it will help me get back into the swing of things. I can't stand hearing that! Stop telling me that getting things back to normal will help me get over what's happened. Stop telling me that once my ileostomy has been reversed I can start my life again and try for a family again. It's really not true and it's not what I want to hear. NOTHING will help me get over what's happened, EVER. Craig and I will never ever get over what's happened, we will just have to find a way to live with it - we all have. I know though that people will be happy to move on. They're "all sad about what's happened but we have to keep going". This was said to me the week that Lola and Lukas should have arrived officially. A week which was so hard for me to get through and to hear this from someone who to be honest, I didn't expect it from, was awful. Craig and I aren't upset, we're DEVASTATED and I thought these people should have been too. Maybe it was meant to make me feel better about myself or maybe they can't deal with what's happened at all and forgetting about it and moving on is their way.
I wrote this on October 5th to try and make people understand that because we don't grieve in front of them, we aren't grieving or hurting.
Just because we don't cry or talk about things in front of you, it doesn't mean that we've dealt with Lola and Lukas' deaths or that we aren't grieving.
We are just trying to get on with our lives - we aren't trying to forget what's happened, but this is the way we are dealing with it. If we don't get out of bed every morning, go out and see friends and family and try to do normal things, we will break down. We didn't choose to grieve in this way, this is just the way things happen to be. We do our grieving in our own time behind closed doors. We still think of Lola and Lukas 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
We do feel however, that this seems to be giving people the impression that we are over this tragedy. In reality, this tragedy will never get easier to deal with, only that we will find a way to live with it. We will always wonder why this has happened to us, or what we did to deserve this and we know that we will never find this out. Things always happen for a reason, but this reason will never be made apparent.
It's been almost two months now and it isn't any easier. In fact, it seems to be harder - especially as the pregnancy due date approaches. Then it will be Christmas and birthdays that we have to deal with, without our children.
It certainly doesn't get better every day like people keep telling us it will, we might get stronger but it doesn't make anything easier and we certainly won't think or love our children any less.
Only others who have lost children will understand how we feel, but Mothers and Fathers should know how it felt to see and hold our children for the first time. No one should ever have to go through this in their lives, but unfortunately we are.
We will always think of our little angels, they will never be forgotten.
Rest In Peace Lola and Lukas.
Sleep tight xxxxxx
We are just trying to get on with our lives - we aren't trying to forget what's happened, but this is the way we are dealing with it. If we don't get out of bed every morning, go out and see friends and family and try to do normal things, we will break down. We didn't choose to grieve in this way, this is just the way things happen to be. We do our grieving in our own time behind closed doors. We still think of Lola and Lukas 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
We do feel however, that this seems to be giving people the impression that we are over this tragedy. In reality, this tragedy will never get easier to deal with, only that we will find a way to live with it. We will always wonder why this has happened to us, or what we did to deserve this and we know that we will never find this out. Things always happen for a reason, but this reason will never be made apparent.
It's been almost two months now and it isn't any easier. In fact, it seems to be harder - especially as the pregnancy due date approaches. Then it will be Christmas and birthdays that we have to deal with, without our children.
It certainly doesn't get better every day like people keep telling us it will, we might get stronger but it doesn't make anything easier and we certainly won't think or love our children any less.
Only others who have lost children will understand how we feel, but Mothers and Fathers should know how it felt to see and hold our children for the first time. No one should ever have to go through this in their lives, but unfortunately we are.
We will always think of our little angels, they will never be forgotten.
Rest In Peace Lola and Lukas.
Sleep tight xxxxxx
A few people picked up on it and commented but the people who I wanted to read it, either didn't or they just didn't get it. I think they also disapprove of the facebook group i've set up. It's a totally private group where i've shared pictures of Lola and Lukas. I was told that I shouldn't look at pictures of them because I get upset. Um hello? Does that mean that you shouldn't look at any pictures of any of my relatives who have passed away because I will get upset? Whats the difference? Everything these days just makes me so angry and I really want to tell people how I feel. I seem to be quite selfish now. For one thing, this has made me realise that life is about Craig and I and our own little family. If we want to include Lola and Lukas in our lives, we shall. When their baby brothers, sisters are born, they will grow up learning about Lola and Lukas. Just like Jodi is happy to put up pictures of them in their house and how when we take Charlie to the cemetery we explain to him why we are there.
I'm starting to cry now and it's quite late. I think I could go on and on for hours tonight but i'm tired....... night all. Night Lola and Lukas, love you loads xxxxx
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