I just want to be able to express my feelings openly to everyone. I want to tell them how s*!t I feel ALL the time. Yes I laugh sometimes but the thoughts never disappear so please don't think i'm fine because I had a giggle. I have a feeling of guilt each time I laugh. I want to tell the world that I feel like this but it's so hard. People don't even mention Lola and Lukas. Is it because they think I will get upset? Is it because they don't want to see me upset? Do they not want to upset themselves? Can they not discuss Lola and Lukas because they aren't dealing with it?
Personally I couldn't care less if people can't talk about them to me, because of their own feelings. They aren't feeling anywhere near as bad as I am so why shouldn't they talk about my beautiful children. Yes I will probably cry, but crying is good. I hate the feeling of going out somewhere and Lola and Lukas aren't even mentioned. I then become scared and worried to bring up their names because I can't see why people don't talk about them. I want to talk about them, I want to share my experience. This is why it now becomes easier to meet new people. Not just people from SANDS because I know I can bring Lola and Lukas up at any time and a complete understanding is always there. Strangers might ask, "Do you have any children?" my answer will be "yes but they died". If people ask, I will show them pictures of Lola and Lukas which I have on my phone. I'm proud to be their mummy and I want to show them off. Yes, years ago it wasn't discussed, Mothers and Fathers didn't hold their dead babies. Pictures weren't taken of them and they were expected to grieve alone. Things have changed. I would give anything to hold Lola and Lukas again, but if I hadn't held them in the first place, I would always long for that feeling.
For the people out there who think that visiting their grave every week is unhealthy, perhaps you can't deal with what's happened? Yes we go to Kingsdown every weekend and sometimes I go in the week. So what? As a Mother I need to feel close to my children, as anyone else would, it just happens that my babies aren't here with us.
I live now to enjoy outings with SANDS and people from SANDS. The monthly Quiz in Highworth, the support meetings at the end of each month and the coffee's and chats with the Angel Mummies and Daddies. It's the comfort of knowing that we all feel the same.
I want people to ask me how I am and not just to get on with their daily lives and feel that they can support me if I want it. Of course I want support but I don't want to burden people with my problems. I need you to ask me how i'm doing. If I say "i'm ok" realise that i'm just saying that and at that particular time, perhaps I don't want to talk about it. But, I will talk sometimes. When I say "i'm ok" don't assume that i'm over it, i've dealt with it and i've moved on. It's hurtful. Send me a message asking if i'm doing ok and if I need anything.
Don't tell me time is a healer. We all know that but time won't make it hurt any less. Just say, I hope time helps you to cope and it hurts a little less. It's the same thing I know, but saying things in such a different way makes a huge difference.
The support meeting was amazing last week. Such a difference from Christmas. We made a memory jar for Lola and Lukas. It's beautiful and takes pride of place in our lounge. We became closer to people in the group. People who I already regarded as our friends, but now I know more about them and being able to have a conversation about Lola and Lukas and their babies and their experiences, made me feel more connected. But we also talked about other things, the Rugby and jobs. Back in a circle again we talked about this years fundraising and activities. We have lots going on this year. Gardening day and then a planting day at the SANDS Memorial garden in Swindon, a visit to the National Garden in Staffordshire. The charity ball in November time which last year raised around £4000 and the charity ball in July, of which one of the charities is Swindon SANDS dedicated to Diana's baby boy Joseph.
Below is a picture of our beautiful jar in memory of Lola and Lukas
The leader of the group commented to me on how nice it was to see Craig talking. He wasn't talking necessarily talking about Lola and Lukas, but just generally chatting away.
It's a week to go until I am admitted into hopsital again for my operation on 17th February. Craig asked me how I feel about it, was I still nervous. Yes. I'm going out for Pizza tonight with some of the Mummies. I think most of us are feeling like we are in a bad place at the moment. We all have our good days, perhaps even good weeks but it seems that at the moment most of us are feeling angry and upset. Some of us with our situations, some with people. It's a nice way to have a social evening before my operation. Craig and I also have tickets now for the Wales vs Scotland game at the Millenium Stadium on Sunday. I feel this is a good enjoyable event to enjoy before my operation. I can't help reading stories about people who have had their reversals and are having eating/bathroom issues. I will remain positive but aware of possible problems.
I read an article this morning which I have posted the link to below. A brave woman sharing her feelings and experience of losing her 3rd child to sillbirth.
http://m.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/22/losing-iris-stillborn-sarah-hughes?cat=lifeandstyle&type=article
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