What Is The Point?

Just 2 more full days left until I go into hospital and yet again people seem to be excited for me getting rid of my ileostomy bag.

Last night we went out for a meal with Craig's parents in the end. His Mum rang before Craig got in from work and said that I didn't sound as chirpy as I did the night before. I'm trying to be honest with people so of course my response being that sometimes even if I sound chirpy, i'm not and that i'm just putting on a brave face/voice. She said that after Monday it will all be fine and that I can get back to normal! Normal? If family don't realise the pain comments like this cause then who will? She said I can get back to my normal self! What happened then? I couldn't speak. I had a lump in my throat so big I thought I was going to suffocate. The moment I put the phone down the immense amount of tears came. I screamed for 20 minutes until Craig came home. Of course I didn't want to go out then. I just wanted to hide away in my bed and not worry constantly about spending the rest of the evening with people who have clearly forgotten that their grandchildren have died and don't think about what they say. Is it not obvious that my life will not be as it was before? I have my Lola and Lukas in my heart and head 24/7. That heart is broken in two and Lola and Lukas have taken a piece each.

Life will never be normal. Normal is what it was before. Our lives will never be the same. Clearly i'm having a rant today. I keep saying that i'm going to be more honest with people and more honest with this Blog. I am honest on the blog but I miss things out in the worry that the people I mention will read it. Well I actually don't care anymore. I don't care if those people confront me about it. At least they will have read what i'm angry and annoyed at.

I'm having a tidy up today. I've made a lasagne for the freezer and been cleaning and tidying. I've also made a list of important things for Craig. I've listed where all the important documents are in the house. My life insurance policies, my bank details and anything else Craig should need to know - that I love him being the most important. Instructions for my final goodbyes. Not nice I know but I have a feeling that it needs to be done so i'm going to crack on and do it.