August 18th - Craig's 29th Birthday

We wake up in the morning and I ask Craig if he would like his Birthday cards. I'm not really sure how today is going to be but I get the impression that Craig isn't interested in his birthday. He will always have his babies' birthday and anniversary of their death's at the run up to his birthday. I don't blame him for not wanting to celebrate.

I decide to have a shower. I need help to get in and out of the bath but feel happy that i've managed to do it on my own. I can't stand for long but if I couldn't have a shower, i'd have to have a bed bath as there is no way i'd be able to have a proper bath.

While i'm getting sorted, I realise my toothbrush is in my overnight bag along with Craig's cards. I haven't seen it since I got back and most of my things got brought back before I got discharged.

I suddenly look at the spare bedroom door. It was going to be the Nursery and i'm worried about opening the door and don't really want Craig to go in there for me as he's probably feeling the same. I finally pluck up the courage to go in and the first thing I see is the Moses basket full of clothes that we had bought and the ones that Ash and Jodi bought. There is also a huge pile of nappies and wipes to the side. I need to get out, I quickly grab everything that has been put in there and close the door.

I give Craig his card from me and then give him the one i've written from Lola and Lukas. I haven't bought him a present but he's not bothered.

The phone rings and it's the NICU at St. Michaels. We have to go back to collect the death certificate for Lola. Craig explains that it's his birthday and doesn't want it done today and asks if we can go tomorrow instead. We both have to go as the Doctor would like to speak with us at the same time.

Everyone is coming round tonight for a get together for Craig. Craig's Mum had bought a wardrobe for the nursery a couple of weeks before and they had phoned and will be delivering in the evening also. Craig and I look at each other. We don't really say anything but we both know that the wardrobe isn't needed anymore. It was difficult to think about.

We spend the day watching films and it passes by quite smoothly. I message Jodi asking her to bring Charlie tonight. I know I want to see him and I think Craig will too. I feel that it's better that we see Charlie now as it will get more and more difficult. Ash and Jodi would understand if we didn't want to see him but I want our relationship to stay the same and after all Charlie is our Godson.

Everyone comes over with the exception of Craig's Dad. He is working again and won't be back until Sunday. The evening is pleasant and Craig and I both hide our real feelings. We both want things to be as normal as possible even though it's not.

We are both dreading going to Bristol and we also need to talk about where to lay our babies to rest.