The next few days.................

Monday - having my clips out was awful. There were 61 of them! The skin around them had started to get red and itchy. They needed to come out. Thankfully my Uncle had asked the Nurses in Bristol for a clip remover. He has experience of having them out and usually the GP's don't have the correct tool which makes taking them out more painful.

The Nurse was glad that we'd taken the tool. She was also very understanding and had clearly taken time to read notes into my case.

The clips hurt and the skin bled where they came out. There was a section just below my bellybutton that looked like it was coming apart and when I got home, I kept worrying that it would split open at any point. The bottom clip had been left in for removal Wednesday as it looked like it was taking longer to heal.

Tuesday - I had an appointment with the stoma nurse which I was thankful for however, after we had to meet with the registrar to register Lola and Lukas' Births and Deaths. Either the bereavement team of the Midwife who delivered them would be waiting for us to give us our memory box. It was Vicky the midwife. She cried as soon as she saw me and gave me a huge hug and handed over a yellow box. We didn't have time to open it as the registrar was waiting.  Registering them was unbearable. It took around 45 minutes and the whole time I just wanted to leave.

After we registered Lola and Lukas, we went back upstairs to see the Nurse again to collect the supplies. She saw the box and asked what was in it. We had no idea and ask we opened it, we found plaster casts of their hands and feet. I didn't realise they would be in there. They were beautiful.

Wednesday - the last clip came out thank god. The nurse was happy with how the wound was healing although to me it was horrific.

I knew we had to sort the funeral out. Dad had arrived a few days before and was only staying until 31st August and wanted to be there for it. Bank holiday Monday was coming up and I knew it would push things back so I asked Dad if he could get in touch with the funeral directors. Dad knew the owner and I wanted to know how much it would cost and when he called to say it was free, I was relieved. They would call me to discuss arrangements.

The funeral directors called literally 15 minutes later and asked if they could come straight round. In a way it was easier for me. I was dreading talking to them and having it sprung on me was the best option.

It was agreed that the funeral would be on Tuesday 30th August at 1pm. The directors were trying to arrange it for the morning so that we wouldn't have to think about it all day but could only book it for 1pm. It didn't matter to me as it would give me more time to sort out my bag and I wouldn't have to rush. A Minister would be contacting us to discuss arrangements for the funeral in the next couple of days.

The Minister called the next day and asked if she could come round Friday morning. When she arrived I was just finishing changing my bag so as I got downstairs she was already speaking with Craig. Neither of us had any clue about funerals so we were glad that she was very helpful. We chose to have the short 20 minute service at the graveside and asked if we could have 2 pieces of music and my brother had mentioned he wanted to do a reading. It was then left to her to organise, all we had to do was let her know the music titles so that she could add it to her service.

Craig suddenly told me that there was a problem with my bag. It was leaking! I had a white top on and it was just coming through so I ran upstairs to change it again. Thankfully the Minister was just finishing so she left while I was upstairs. It seemed that I had stabbed the plastic with the scissors while cutting out the hole. I would have to pay more attention to that in future. I had to measure and cut the bags every time I needed to change the bags. My stoma would continue to shrink until it found it's own size and no one knew how long that would take. I found cutting the bags hard. It had to be exact so that the acids in my stomach wouldn't burn my skin.

I already knew I wanted Lukas by Natalie Imbruglia before I even mentioned it to the Minister. It was one of my favourite songs of all time and Craig agreed but neither of us knew what song to pick for Lola. I would have to look on the internet at recommended songs. I went through loads of lyrics and found 2 or 3 possibilities. I wasn't really familiar with the music and suddenly came across a song by Avril Lavigne called Slipped Away. It was perfect. We both like Avril Lavigne so it was more suited to our needs.

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne

Lukas - Natalie Imbruglia

The next few days pass by in a blur as I try to find something to wear to the funeral. I send a couple of messages to people about the funeral arrangements and tell everyone that I want no black, bright colours only.

We went to the funeral directors to take a card and the blanket teddy for Lukas. Writing the card was hard. What are we supposed to put in it? Lola already had her blanket teddy from Ash and Jodi so we wanted Lukas to have his. We decided to keep their little hats that they were wearing when they were born so we collected those and other clothes which the hospital had given us.