August 19th - Bristol

I dreaded going to St. Michaels. Craig popped in the Doctors Surgery as we left to book me an appointment to have my clips taken out. They said 10-12 days and it was only 9 so they booked it for Monday.

We cried all the way. I just didn't understand why we had to go through this.

The journey was uncomfortable but thankfully the roads weren't too busy and we managed to get me a wheelchair at the hospital. We were taken into a room to wait for the Doctor and some Nurses to arrive. I wasn't feeling great and the thought of what was about to be discussed made me feel even worse.

Once the Doctor arrived, we had to go through everything again. I didn't want to hear it. All I wanted to do was take the certificate and go home. It only took around 20 minutes in the end and on the way home I decided that we should stop by Hook Cemetery to take a look. I was in pain but I knew it was something we needed to look into and thought it was best that we didn't drag it out. The hospital offer a free burial at Whitworth Road but we wanted something more personal.

We drove to Hook, Lydiard Church and Kingsdown. Hearing Craig speaking to the lady at reception at Kingsdown was surreal. I couldn't believe we were finding a resting place for our babies. They should have still been inside me swimming and kicking. It was our favourite place. It was explained to us that Hook was full and Kingsdown was really our own option apart from Whitworth Road. Kingsdown just seemed so peaceful and when the receptionist explained that deer come by, I knew this was the place. If we had Lola and Lukas cremated, there wouldn't be anything to have in their memory because they were too small so a burial was best. The price of the burial site was a shock even though we would be buried there also in years to come, it was starting to hit home that this could be expensive.

Craig drove down to the burial site and had a walk around while I was in the car. He came back and said that it was lovely and that there are a few babies buried there :-(

When we arrived home I decided that I needed to get out and try to be normal. We decided to go to the cinema that evening. I wanted to switch off for a couple of hours. It was good to get out but painful. While watching the film I didn't stop thinking about Lola and Lukas. I hoped it would but at least it was a change of scenery.