Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Where am I now?

It would seem that I haven't posted on the blog for just shy of 4 months now.

I managed 2 1/2 days at work early April and ended up having some further time off. I used the rest of my maternity days and then fully returned to work at the start of May.
I've always been a firm believer that if you expect nothing, then anything over and above is a pleasant surprise.
I returned in May with more of this attitude and it made each day pass much easier. Somehow I managed to get back into the swing of things and haven't looked back since.
I do have to say though, that without the help of certain people, I wouldn't be where I am now. For those of you who have been following this blog, you will know how much Jodi has meant to me and also later on in finding friendships with some girls at the local Sands group. We still see each other at the monthly meetings and also weekly or fortnightly for dinner or coffee. There is however, one other who has made my life and my outlook so different. I'm not going to mention any names but can only just say that without the phone calls and messages or support different to what I was already getting, I certainly wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have thought that it would make such a difference, but it totally has.

I suppose the main reason for me not blogging for 4 months is purely down to work. I have thought about it a handful of times but usually when i'm not really able to actually do it. At the same time, I haven't really felt the need to. For the people who told me that the blog would be a waste of time and that it wouldn't help me, all I can say really is up yours. Funnily enough, those people have had no effect on how i've grieved at all. They've just shown me what type of people they are.

You really do find out during these tragedies who your real friends are and actually to be honest, you also find out what sort of people your family members are too.

I'm a different person today to what I was a year ago. I can still see some of the old Sian shining through, but i'm so much more aware of things I want out of my relationships with people and what i'm after in my own life.

This time last year, I was lying on my lounge sofa praying that my little ones wouldn't make an appearance with the funneling of my cervix. Little did I know that my appendix had ruptured and in 12 days time, I would have my little angels.

We are undecided as to what to organise if anything for their 1st birthday on 12th August. We both have the week off work but just aren't sure what to do. Do we celebrate? In a way I think we should but at the same time it feels wrong to celebrate such a tragedy. But we should celebrate their lives no matter how brief.

Their headstone went up today. I've seen a picture already but can't wait to go up after work today and see it in person. x

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